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Winemaker
Intro to Wine: A Humorous Guide for Waitstaff

Varietals: A Fancy Name for “Kinds of Grapes”

Reds are served at room temperature, which heightens their aromas and complexities. Like you, without a shower.

Whites are served chilled, which brings their freshness forward. Like you, in the nip of winter.

No one varietal is better than any other. They’re just different. It’s about personal taste.

Take a look at the list of celebrities. You’d have sex with any of them, right? But each for a different reason. Wine is like that.

Reds: Bold and Beautiful

Varietal

What It’s Like

Who It’s Like

Cabernet Sauvignon

Big, bold, and dapper

George Clooney

Malbec

Ripe, plummy, complex, and  French (also Argentine, but whatever)

Juliette Binoche

Merlot

Lush, beloved, and easy on the palate

Jennifer Lopez
(“Merlot” and “J. Lo.” It rhymes.)

Pinot Noir

Fruity, congenial, elegant, and young

Reese Witherspoon

Syrah/Shiraz

Acidic and peppery, with dark berry notes

Jon Stewart

Zinfandel

Jazzy, spicy, and exciting

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Whites: Fresh and Flirty

Varietal

What It’s Like

Who It’s Like

Chardonnay

Buttery, creamy, smoky, and sophisticated

Scarlett Johansson

Gewürztraminer
/Riesling

Sweet,refreshing, summery, and lively

Owen Wilson

Pinot Grigio
/Pinot Gris

Easy and companionable with a touch of spice

Ellen Degeneres

Sauvignon Blanc

Fruity, sunny, and fresh

Will Ferrell

Viognier

Husky-throated, curvaceous, and seductive

Jessica Alba

Rosé

Varietal

What It’s Like

Who It’s Like

White Zinfandel

Breezy, sweet, and really, really trashy

Britney Spears

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